Desensitization

So, yesterday, for Eric's killing class, he had us watch the first twenty-or-so minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I don't know what to say about it, other than I shouldn't have watched it.
As he turned off the lights, and started up his laptop to play the clip for us, he kept making comments about how it was all right to leave. If anyone was uncomfortable, they could just stand up, and walk out.
I'm not sure why, but that simple fact seemed nearly impossible. I thought I would have been able to handle it-- no one else had a problem with it. They sat, transfixed, watching the screen intently, while I fidgeted, looking around the room, confused as to how everyone was fine with watching people die.
It was a movie, and I understood that.
But it didn't make sense how they could all sit around, analyzing the movie, while people's limbs were being blown off, dying in pools of their own blood on the beach, screaming for their family.
And suddenly, it hit me. No one had a problem with it because they had seen this, and worse. It didn't matter to them, because they didn't know the people, the people were actors, and you knew, on the surface, that that person was going to be okay, that it was only stage-makeup, and they would appear in many more movies afterward.
But it hit somewhere closer to home for me. I sat, beginning to hyperventilate, as I thought of my brother who's in the National Guard, my friend's father who was serving, friends of mine who had joined the army.
And I lost it. I stopped breathing; my head began to spin, and all I could think of was I needed a drink. So as fast as I could, I stood up, and walked out of the room. Suddenly the people sitting around able to handle the movie didn't matter-- because it did at first. I was afraid that somehow I'd be less to them. But I didn't care.
As I was getting water, I could steal hear the movie. I could hear the gunshots, the actors screaming, but instead of seeing actors, I saw the people that I love and care about, dying on that beach.
Eric ended up finding me in the commons, near-tears, while I was still trying to get my breathing under control. He had me sit in Laurie's office, where I just curled up, turned on my Ipod, and tried to stop thinking. It worked for a little while, while I cranked up Regina Spektor. And then they had me come back to class, and as soon as I walked in, they were discussing the movie.
And no one else was having a problem. No one else was breaking down, feeling nauseated. They were all just fine. Which to some degree, made things worse. And all I could think of was a few weeks earlier, when we had been talking about Viet Nam, and how someone made a comment that the people that died didn't matter. They were dead, they lost the cause, they just were dead.
So throughout the day, I was struggling to keep cool, smiling, nodding.
But every time it grew quiet enough for me to think, let my mind wander, I could feel myself begin to break down, so I kept my Ipod on, keeping a constant noise going.
But it grew worse throughout the day, more people from the Killing class talking about the movie. I heard people talking about what a great movie it was, how stupid civilians are for joining the army, how their deaths don't mean anything.
I stayed quiet, knowing that if I opened my mouth to defend the soldiers that I'd just start crying again.
So then I went home. I pretended that nothing was wrong, but went to bed at six thirty, which sort of gave it away to my mom that something was wrong.
I blamed the inversion, saying that it had made me sick, and that I had a heinous sinus headache from it. Which was partially true, but it wasn't any worse than it had been any other time.
And then, while I was trying to sleep, I kept hearing the automatic guns firing, people screaming, seeing my brother, my uncle, my friends father, my friends themselves.
And I went in to the bathroom and threw up. I was so upset, and so stressed out, that I had made myself sick. And all because of a movie?
I thought that we were supposed to be the desensitized generation? Why had that one movie clip made me so violently ill, that I refused to move until three in the afternoon today?
I'm not really sure.
But, I guess if any of you are wondering why I wasn't at school, there's your answer.

<3